Acknowledging that something is hard on everyone involved doesn’t mean everyone’s experiencing the same level of hardship.

so just a recap of my coming out experiences

  • First girl crush at 5
  • First thought of “am I a lesbian” at 8
  • ID’d as ‘straight but not narrow’ and a ‘straight ally’ at 14
  • ID’d as bicurious at 15
  • ID’d as bisexual at 16
  • Realised I wasn’t attracted to men at 19, but still ID as bisexual

not being hetero is really fucking confusing, basically. If people talked about sexuality maybe I’d never have had to go through the things I did in working out who I am.

btw that was my official re-coming out as bisexual; no prefixes, no clarifiers. 100% bisexual babe.

I’ve always felt I have to clarify my bisexuality, first with queer and then with gay/lesbian.

  • Because bi people are labelled undateable by monosexual gay and lesbian people.
  • We’re said to have hetero passing privilege regardless of whether or not we’re even attracted to the relevant binary gender.
  • OR we’re blatantly labelled heterosexual attention seekers, cheaters, and confused people going through a phase.
  • We’re erased in discussions of mogai rights.
  • Our issues are overlooked, and our community underfunded and underrepresented.
  • We’re not worth the mainstream community’s time.

No matter how we identify and who we date, we’re never gay enough to be included, and that gatekeeping needs to end.

You’re valid no matter what genders you’re attracted to, and how you choose to identify. You matter. You deserve respect. Don’t let yourself believe that you have to drop or prefix your bisexuality to achieve those things.

I think bisexual lesbian would be the perfect identifier for me if it didn’t basically stick a massive target on my back for biphobic radfems to attack me.

multisexual lesbian separates me too much from the bi community i’m a part of, and nonandro bisexual is long-winded and hard to understand.

but I am bi - I’m attracted to multiple genders - and I also identify v strongly with the label lesbian because of my preference for women and lack of attraction to men.



thing is, am i a multisexual lesbian or a nonandro bisexual?

and if i’m the first, what safe space am i meant to be in? Am i too gay for bi tumblr and not gay enough for lesbian tumblr?

wait hang on, is there even a difference between these labels or am I just using different names for the same thing and seeing which is most comfortable?

and I mean, surely ‘multisexual lesbian’ could be considered under the bi umbrella anyway, therefore making me bisexual first and a multisexual lesbian second, regardless of which i use as my primary identifier? Like how all catholics are christian but not all christians are catholic.

thing is, am i a multisexual lesbian or a nonandro bisexual?

and if i’m the first, what safe space am i meant to be in? Am i too gay for bi tumblr and not gay enough for lesbian tumblr?

I feel so much better now, omg.

Now I know that when I look at a guy I can recognise he’s good-looking, and maybe imagine kissing him or being cute, but that’s not sexual attraction at all. It’s just me wanting to be sensual with someone, and transposing that onto someone I know is more likely to be able to reciprocate (because they’re probably hetero). I don’t want to date dudes or sleep with them, and I could cope with using them for kisses and cuddles probably and just pretend they’re not a man, but I’d rather not do even that.

Anonymous asked:

Girl here. W/ men I've never had a pleasant sex fantasy. The good parts were them cuddling/comforting me (sensual attraction) as if to make up for the scary embarrassing sex part. I don't like the thought of men being attracted to me but want girls & nb ppl attracted to me. I can't tell ppl's gender by looking @ them so I can get aroused by ppl of any gender (but I also get aroused by things like aesthetic attraction & food). Arousal, tho, leads to sex fantasies where ppl have set genders.

This resonates so hard with me anon you have no idea; thank you so much.

Like the last two times I was with a dude, I was happiest when they were cuddling/comforting me just like you said. The sex was something I just waited out and didn’t like, particularly, and I’d definitely rather have forgone it and just spooned instead. I don’t like the idea of men liking me either but there are occasions when I want specific men to, but again it’s only because I want someone to show me affection and most dudes are hetero so it’s more likely they might. Plus, if I fantasise about being with a man it’s always very uncomfortable and scary, so I often end up changing their gender to make it feel okay.

so basically I feel exactly the same way, and this means I’m definitely not attracted to dudes?? This makes me feel so much better - thank you!

If you know you aren’t attracted to a certain gender please tell me how that feels compared to gender(s) you are attracted to, and how you knew. it’d really help me work out my sexuality right now.

Anonymous asked:

Holy shit I'm like having the exact same problems you are with trying to figure out dudes except im also a dude

ugh it’s so shit isn’t it?

I think my main issue is that I’ve always preferred women, so attraction to them feels v. different anyway and always has. But now I can’t work out if I’m attracted to men, or just able to recognise if they’re conventionally attractive?? I mean, what’s the difference between those two experiences? (Genuinely, if a monosexual can explain that might help a lot). I just can’t tell if I actually want to date men, or if I’ve been told I should so often that I’ve internalised it and convinced myself it’s what I want? When I imagine being with a dude it’s always some movie-esque scene for a few seconds until I get grossed out, whereas imaging myself with someone of another gender feels less contrived.

Maybe I’m a raging lesbian and I don’t like dudes at all, or maybe I’m a raging bisexual who’s confused because she’s had some pretty sucky man experinces. Idk.

I’m so confused, just. One day I think I’ve nailed it and the next I find something that makes me question everything again. :c

hope you work things out, nonnie. and thanks for the solidarity!